


[ohlawdhedead.png]

by beanaintokay



Series: your new boyfriend [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Birthday, Chatting & Messaging, Dadza, Dysphoria, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Minor Alexis | Quackity/Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, More angst, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, They/Them Pronouns for Eret (Video Blogging RPF), Trans Character, Trans Floris | Fundy, Trans TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings, and ranboo has split dyed hair, bingus - Freeform, catboy quackity, cursing, dream wears a covid mask and so should u, george just sleeps through everything, i may be projecting onto fundy so my bad, im sorry but its all i can ever write, misferns is canon, platonic, ranboo has a fear of water, schlatt has a drinking problem, sleepy boys is canon, techno has a pet pig, you heard me right
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:48:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 20,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28026534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beanaintokay/pseuds/beanaintokay
Summary: thank u guys for all the support!! it rlly motivates me!!! ily!! <3 /genchapter titles are different songs lyrics bc im not original!!follow me on twitter @beanaintokay
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Karl Jacobs, Antfrost & VelvetIsCake (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Dave | Technoblade & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Eret & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Zak Ahmed & Darryl Noveschosch, dream team & karl, eret & captain puffy, ppl can be loving friends i tell my friends i love them all the time, sapnap & karl & quackity, sleepy bois! - Relationship, strictly platonic - Relationship, tubbo & niki & fundy & ranboo & eret
Series: your new boyfriend [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2078892
Comments: 150
Kudos: 428





	1. i’m not gay though

**Author's Note:**

> heres a key  
> dre: dream  
> gogy: george  
> sappity nappity: sapnap  
> wilby: wilbur  
> schlatty patty: schlatt  
> philza with no minecraft: phil  
> BIG T: tommy  
> bee boi!: tubbo  
> orphan obliterator: technoblade  
> furry: fundy  
> quack: quackity  
> flower girl :]: niki  
> manifold: jack manifold  
> queerios: eret  
> muffin man: badboyhalo  
> party park!: karl / spoingus: karl  
> skeppy :P: skeppy  
> captain puff: puffy  
> 🅱️urpled: purpled  
> ant man: antfrost  
> flirter 1000: velvetiscake  
> sam the man: awesamdude  
> hmaid: hbomb  
> ranboob: ranboo  
> puns: punz  
> beaver maid man: spifey  
> bingus: corpse husband

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AAAA i remembered this existed! pogchamp
> 
> my parents keep arguing and my dad woke me up at 8am so im cranky as fuck
> 
> anyway if u get many notifications rn its bc im editing chapters! :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> formatting this brought me so much pain  
> -edit: this is shorter than i thougt BYEEHDJSJFD if anyone can give me chapter ideas please i beg

**[10:38 AM]**

**dre:** welcome >:D

**ranboob:** hi!

 **ranboob:** wait

 **ranboob:** no

_**[ranboob changed their name to ranboo]** _

  
**BIG T:** LMAO U THOUGHT

_**[BIG T changed ranboos name to ranboob]** _

**ranboob:** sigh

**sappity nappity:** wheres george

**dre:** tired of me already? :( /t

**sappity nappity:** yes /j

**dre:** he’s probably sleeping ngl

**gogy** : wha

**party park!:** OH THERE HE IS

**gogy** : whats goin on i was sleeping

**dre** : CALLED IT LMAO

**[3:47 PM]**

**queerios:** _why_

**dre** : i was bored and decided we needed more chaos in our lives

**ant** **man** : ur a lil late to the party eret 🧑🦯

**queerios** : antfrost, my mam, i just woke up

**skeppy :P:** its???? 3pm?? almost 4???????

**queerios** : and?

**captain puff:** thats normal for eret dw skeppy and ant :D

**ant man** : i- yknow what okay then

**[7:43 PM]**

**puns:** yo what is this

**🅱️urpled** : i was wondering the same thing

**hmaid** : meow, masters :3

**BIG T:** NO

_**[BIG T removed hmaid from server]** _

_**[dre added hmaid to server]** _

_**[dre removed admin from BIG T]** _

**BIG T** : GOD DAMNIT DREAM

**muffin** **man** : language!! (/>.>)/

**skeppy :P** : bad!!! :D

**muffin** **man** : skeppy!!!! (/^•^)/❤️❤️

**orphan** **obliterator** : ew, affection

**philza with no minecraft** : Hi, Techno, my son 🥰

**orphan obliterator** : hi, dad!! i love you!!! <3

 **orphan obliterator** : wait no

 **orphan obliterator:** how do i delete a previous text i sent

**wilby** : hi dadza!

**BIG** **T** : HELLO FATHER DEAREST

**philza with no minecraft** : Never call me father dearest ever again, _**@BIG T**_. Hello, _**@wilby**_! <3

**bee boi!** : helo mr. phil! :)

**philza with no minecraft** : How many times do i have to tell you, Tubbo, you can call me Phil! ❤️

**bee boi!:** chrrently: crying

**quack** : aRE WE JUST GONNA IGNORE TECHNOS TEXTS OR-

**orphan obliterator** : yes

**philza with no minecraft** : Yes.

**BIG T:** YES UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE

**bee boi!** : yes we aer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading ! kudos and comments and bookmarks n all that stuff is appreciated :)


	2. *epic guitar noises*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two bros get stuck in a walmart 😏🤌🤌🤌
> 
> rip grog 😢😢😢😢💔💔💔💔 cause of death: dream called him out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for the one person who commented and for all the support :O ill try to make the next chapters longer,, but i dont have very much written and post more often :]

_** [1:37 AM] ** _

**quack** :  so me and karl are stuck in a walmart

**sappity** **nappity** :  can i join ?????

**party** **park!:** no sorry they locked the doors :[

**manifold** :  I- HOW????

**quack** : WELL, JACK, LET ME TELL YOU A STORY

**quack** :  IT WASNT EVEN  INTENTIONAL

**quack** :  THATS THE BEST PART

**quack** :  WE WERE JUST CHILLIN

**party** **park!** :  IN CEDAR RAPIDS!!!!

**quack** : HELL YES WE WERE JUST CHILLIN IN EL RAPIDS LIKE BROS DO

**quack** : AND WE DIDNT HEAR THE WARNINGS OVER THE INTERCOMS

**quack** : WELL WHEN THEY TURNED OFF ALL THE LIGHTS AND LOCKED THE DOORS WE WERE JUST VIBING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLOTHING RACKS YKNOW THE CIRCLE ONES THAT CHILDREN TRYING TO HIDE FROM THEIR PARENTS HIDE IN

**manifold** : Aahhh that one yes I know what you’re talking about

**quack** : ew auto caps

**party** **park!** :  BACK TO THE STORY BIG Q

**quack** :  YESSIR IM ON IT

**party** **park!** :  WAIT DOES THIS MEAN I CAN STEAL SOME MONSTERS???? IDC IM DOING IT ANYWAYS LETS GO MOTHER HONKERS

**quack** :  YESSYYSYSYSYES LETS GOOOOO

**puns** :  WOOOOOO LETS FUCKIN GOOOOO!!!!!

**quack** :  HELLO PUNZIE BOY WE ARE STUCK IN A WALMART

**puns** :  YES Q I CAN TELL!! VERY POGCHAMP!!!!! ALSO NEVER CALL ME THAT AGAIN

_** [quack changed puns name to PUNZIE BOY] ** _

**quack** : HAAHAAHSHABA OKAY PUNZIE BOY

**PUNZIE** **BOY** :  sigh

**PUNZIE** **BOY** :  i accept my fate

**quack** : well that was easier than i expected

**manifold** :  Where’s Karl?

**party** **park!** :  IM HERE AND I GOT THE MONSTERS!!! WHITE MONSTER SUPREMACY

**quack** :  LETS FUCJINGJDKS GOOOOOOO

**quack** :  POGCHAMPS IN CHAT **_:POGCHAMP:_**

** PUNZIE BOY: _ :POGCHAMP:  _ **

_ [just imagine the pogchamp emote, okay? im too lazy to put a png.] _

** party park!:  _ :POGCHAMP: _ **

** manifold: _ :POGCHAMP: _ **

_** [8:59 AM] ** _

** muffin man: ** language!

** skeppy :P:  ** a lil late, bad, but appreciated nonetheless :)

**muffin** **man** : well thank u skeppy :)) <3

**skeppy :P** :  <3

**flirter** **1000** : PHILLL SKEPPY AND BAD ARE FLIRTING AGAINNNN

** philza with no minecraft:  ** Like you can talk, Velvet, you and Ant flirt so much I’m now immune to it. Your name on this server is literally Flirter 1000.

**ant man** :  DJDJDNFKSNFKSKFW NO PHIL PLEASE I FEEL ATTAXKDJFFJ

**flirter 1000** : HOW DO U THINK I FEEEL BABEBFU AHHFKFKSKFDJDJDNFKKSFNKSFKSKFKSKD

** party park!:  ** if anyone was wondering we got out of walmart without being seen

**quack** :  yeah sleeping on a beanbag isnt really ideal for the back

**sappity** **nappity** :  i- next time u gotta bring me

**quack** :  oh dw bae we will!!  🥰🥰🥰✨✨✨✨❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️😹😹😹😹😹🥰🥰🥰😹🥰😹❤️❤️😹❤️😹❤️✨✨✨✨😹👍👍👍👍😏😏😏😏😏

**sappity** **nappity** : jesus fuck quackity you are worse than george and dream

**quack** :  HDJDNFMKGKSKDNS WHHDHSHDJD NOOOO!;!;@,@,’snskd

**party** **park**!:  i think you killed him

_** [ohlawdhedead.png]  ** _

_ (its an image of quackity lying on the sidewalk pretending to be dead. i hope you can imagine that because im not drawing it.) _

**dre** : BAHAHHASHAHDKAKDKA

**gogy** : i stg im about to murder somebody

**dre** : ok bet what color is blood?

**gogy** : it- yknow this is unfair

_** [gogy left the server] ** _

_** [dre added gogy to the server] ** _

**dre** : no u bottom u stay

**gogy** :  🕳🤸

**furry** : i feel like i am intruding on ur flirting

**gogy** : HEIDJSFJJD HI FUNDY PLS HELP ME DREAM IS BULLYJDNFKSFNKFGKOEMF

**sappity** **nappity** : he died before he could finish his sentence... rip grog...  💔💔 /j

**furry** : rip grog  💔💔💔😔😔😢😢 /j

**gogy** : IM NOT DWAD U FUXKSDHDJS

**dre** : yes he is

**gogy** : yes i am

**sappity nappity:** well then. moving on-


	3. of course ive met jared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE DAY POG THIS WILL MOST LIKELY NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN
> 
> ty for all the support its so motivating!!! :D /gen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the last of my prewritten rn but i have more plans!!!!! (spoilers its catboys and fundy = furry backstory) so i might not update for a few days just so i can write some stuff and be more prepared :D ty for all the support its so pog
> 
> //mentions of blood (it only says the word once tho, just thought id ward u guys just in case)

**quack** :  HDJDNFMKGKSKDNS WHHDHSHDJD NOOOO!;!;@,@,’snskd

**party** **park**!:  i think you killed him

_** [ohlawdhedead.png]  ** _

_ (its an image of quackity lying on the sidewalk pretending to be dead. i hope you can imagine that because im not drawing it. also ITS THE TITLE OF THE STORY YEEEEE) _

**dre** : BAHAHHASHAHDKAKDKA

**gogy** : i stg im about to murder somebody

**dre** : ok bet what color is blood?

**gogy** : it- yknow this is unfair

_** [gogy left the server] ** _

**_ [dre added gogy to the server] _ **

**dre** : no u bottom u stay

**gogy** :  🕳🤸

**furry** : i feel like i am intruding on ur flirting

**gogy** : HEIDJSFJJD HI FUNDY PLS HELP ME DREAM IS BULLYJDNFKSFNKFGKOEMF

**sappity** **nappity** : he died before he could finish his sentence... rip grog...  💔💔

**furry** : rip grog  💔💔💔😔😔😢😢

**gogy** : IM NOT DWAD U FUXKSDHDJS

**dre** : yes he is

**gogy** : yes i am

**sappity** **nappity** : well then. moving on-

_** [10:58 AM] ** _

**BIG T** : TUBBO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER AT MY HOUSE

**bee** **boi!:** YES THAT WOULD BE POGCHAMP

**BIG** **T** : HEY **@philza with no minecraft** CAN TUBBO COMEE OVER FOR A SLEPOVER

**wilby** : hey, i could play my new song ‘your new boyfriend’ ! :D

**bee boi!** : ooh, wilbur, that’s pogchanp! i bet its grate :)

**wilby** : thank u, tubbo (/^•^)/ ❤️

**orphan** **obliterator** : hm i wonder if i can teach him how to pick a lock

**bee boi!** : oh, i already know!

**orphan obliterator** : _*distant sobbing*_ they grow up so fast * _sniffs_ *

**philza with no minecraft** : Techno, stop overreacting, drama king. And yes, of course Tubbo can come over! He’s welcome any time at our house :)

**bee boi!** : POGCHAMP POGCHAMP LOGCHAMP LEMME GET NIKI TO DRIVE ME OVER

**BIG T:** LOGCHAMP!!!

**flower girl :]** : hello, i just wanted to say that

** flower girl :]:  **

**_[ducks.png]  
  
_ **

**_((ive been told the actual duck pictures dont work, so look up fluffy duck for the whole ✨experience✨))_ **

**queerios** : OH MY GOD NIKI ARE THOSE DUCKS

**furry** : NIKI THOSE DUCKS ARE SO BABEY I LOVE THEM SKDJSDKSKFSJDSJD

**bee** **boi**!: DUCKS!!!!! I STILL LOVE BEES MORE THOUGH

**flower girl :]:** YES THEYRE DUCKS DDJSJDKSJDKS I LOVE THEM TOO AND TUBBO THATS VALID BEES ARE GOO BABEY

**BIG** **T** : I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW YOU GAYS COMMUNICATE

**BIG** **T** : GUYS*

**queerios** : wait no tommy you were right the first time go back

**flower** **girl :]** : logging off for now, im gonna go drop tubbo off!

**BIG** **T** : LOGCHAMP!

**philza with no minecraft** : See you soon, Tubbo!

**bee** **boi!** : :D

_** [12.36 PM] ** _

**BIG** **T** : HELLO EVERYBODY THIS IS IMPORTANT

**furry** : yes, tommy?

**ranboob** : huh

**gogy** : wh????

**muffin** **man** : whats going on holy muffins u woke me up from my nap >:(

**skeppy :P** : yeah, me too, i was tryna sleep. whats up?

**BIG T** : OH NOTHING LOL I JUST WANTED TO SAY LOGCHAMP YOU GUYS CAN GO ABOUT YOUR DAYS AS LONG AS YOU WORSHIP THE QUEEN **_(a/n i actually was gonna say something important here but forgot so logchamp instead)_**

**furry** : sir yes sir

**ranboob** : eh i guess

**muffin** **man** : snooze -_-zzz

**skepy** : **P** : zzzzzzzzzzzz catching theze z’s rn

**spekky :P** : gn again baes

_** [4.57 PM] ** _

**skeppy :P** : wait dream can i add someone please

**dre** : uh send me their discord privately first ill do a thorough back ground chek on them

**skeppy :P** : i- okay

_ ‘ ‘few minutes later, , _

**dre** : sure

**skeppy :P** : POGCHAMP!!!!

_** [skeppy :P added spifey to the server] ** _

_** [skeppy :P changed spifeys nickname to beaver maid man] ** _

**hmaid** : my senses have been alerted

**hmaid** : is there another maid

**beaver maid man** : yeah its me bae

**hmaid** : ok wanna make out now /j

**beaver maid man** : bet /j

**skeppy :P:** OK THATS NOT HOW I EXPECTED IT TO GO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also last chapter i put in the notes ‘rip grog’ so heres some context
> 
> also logchamp was a genuine spelling mistake i made and decided to keep on using 🧑🦯


	4. i thought when i get older

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uh fundy trans go brrr i project onto fundy in this chapter woooo  
> sorry i havent updated in a few days ive been unmotivated :(
> 
> merry christmas! brag about ur christmas in the comments !!! i love it when other ppl are happy /gen
> 
> /// mentions of dysphoria, breif mentions of drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo i listen to my sad playlist and cry and write trans fundy and cry in trans masc i want a binder so bad but the one and only time i asked my mom she said 'what the fuck' and went back to sleep so i just pile on the sports bras and call it a day
> 
> also this is in a found family gc btwww wooooo ive rewritten this a few times srry if its lazy or something like that also tried traditional writing lowercase intended yupppp give feedback pls
> 
> eboy=ranboo  
> fungi=fundy  
> woo=eret  
> mother=niki  
> babey=tubbo
> 
> um,, ill probably make a seperate book thingy for this so i can just share the lore and stuff ive made for this- i do indeed have a strange amount (meaning i have a lot of lore). so uhhhhhhhh stick around :]
> 
> i dont rlly know what point of view this is in ngl its all over the place .....  
> also! have u guys watched the new manhunt :] antfrost supremacy!!!!! i love his and velvets relationship and theyre so skilled in gaming pls,,.,, 
> 
> // nsfw //
> 
> but sometimes i regret having velvets notifications on when i get a notification and it says pegging instead of pogging 

_**[11:58 PM]** _

**mother** ; fundy

**mother** ; fundy

**mother** ; fundy

**mother** ; fundy

**fungi** ; wha

**mother** ; how long have u had ur binder on

**fungi** ; uhhhhh

**mother** ; fundy :( im worried about u i care about u a lot

**fungi** ; sigh

**fungi** ; two days

**mother** ; FUNDY please take it off that is unhealthy

**woo** ; yeah pls fundy :[ i understand trust me but u need to let urself breathe

**woo** ; ill lend u one of my hoodies

**eboy** ; we can watch movies!!!!! animal planet!!!!!!!!!!

**babey** ; yeah!!!! we can go to nikis room since she and elaina have the biggest room and half the ppl arent there anyway and a projector we can steal

**fungi** ; ty guys ilysm

**mother** ; we love u too! <3

\----

as fundy walked into the shared bathroom and completely avoided the mirror at all costs, he thought.

he thought about his siblings- he didn't deserve them. they were all so sweet and kind and were willing to do anything for him- he definitely didn't deserve them.

pulling off his binder blindly, he almost sobbed as he felt he could actually breathe again. but now wasn't the time for that, he felt, as his phone vibrated with a text.

**mother** ; its all set up, fundy, take your time :) /gen

he felt tears sting at his eyes for some stupid reason before rubbing them harshly and pulling on a long sleeved shirt. he made his way quietly to niki's room, avoiding all of the creaky spots and being as quiet as he possibly could.

\----

as he entered niki's room as quietly as he could, he was immediately devoured in a big hug by his family. a big group hug- he really didn't deserve this family.

yet again he felt tears sting as his eyes, but he quickly blinked them away and pulled out of the hug. he felt his siblings pull away as soon as they realized he was pulling away.

he moved over towards the couch he first spotted, going to get comfortable in order to watch animal planet- aka, his favorite show. it was one of the only things he remembered about his biological family, and it made him feel safe and was a comfort show. his siblings all knew that.

from when you walked in the room, if you looked left you could see the few bunk beds and the one queen sized bed that was shared with all the girls in that room, and an old couch that their group home's owner got at a garage sale. if you looked straight ahead, normally it would be empty minus a few drawings on the walls and an old carpet and maybe some dirty socks, but this time it had a small desk with the projector on it that was projecting onto the right side of the room. the right side had a big empty wall which the girls used for projecting stuff whenever they could (whenever they could meaning when james (their caretaker) was blackout drunk and wouldn't be waking up until noon tomorrow at earliest).

he felt one of his two tall siblings come over to the couch with him- he really couldn't tell which one yet while he was hyper focused on making sure his spot was extra comfortable.

after being 100% sure that his spot was going to be the comfiest, he checked which sibling it was- it was eret. they had fundys comfort hoodie that fundy stole whenever he were feeling super dysphoric and icky in his own body. eret would be lying if they said that they hadn't worn that hoodie too when they were dysphoric as well. it was very comforting and warm.

giving fundy a hug, eret helped him into the comforting hoodie as to make sure he didn't hurt his ribs more. after making sure fundy wasn't hurting, they pulled fundy right back into a big warm hug, knowing him well enough to tell he needed it.

they both heard tubbos laugh and fundy propped his head on erets shoulder to see what he was laughing about. honestly, fundy never wanted to see it again- tubbo looked like a pretzel. his legs were behind his head, and he was acting like a pro contortionist. it was really funny, though, he had to admit as he burst out laughing.

eret turned around just as tubbo was moving out of his weird position, and while they didn't know what everyone was laughing at, they couldn't help but join in as everyone else's laughter was contagious.

they all quickly shut up, though, as a sharp, yet loud knock was heard on the other side of the wall on the left. that was where the older boys room was- eret, ranboo, and tubbo were all in the 10-15 room though. and if ranboo or eret were aged out, they weren't leaving that room without tubbo, who was only 14 as he had a late birthday. nobody really talked about it since the boys had that 'conversation' with james.

with the newfound tension around the room, niki decided to take charge and began to turn on animal planet to maybe try and calm everyone down.

ranboo, tubbo, and niki decided to cuddle pile on the bed while fundy and eret were getting comfortable on the couch. as fundy settled down with eret tucked into his side, both of them comfortable, he relaxed and watched his comfort show surrounded by his loving family. even if they weren't family by blood, they were a found family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh srry for projecting everythings been a bit too much lately :,)
> 
> also fundy loh oof i watched it while getting a flu shot pls he shouldve picked elaina so i gave her a cameo in my chapter yeah elaina liked my reply to her tweet and was trending on twitter i love her sm. elainaexe on twitch go follow!
> 
> ok its christmas (technically the day after, as its 12:48 in the morning) but merry christmas :]   
> sorry this chapters rlly late, ive been more motivated to draw than write anything lately so i kinda forced this out as a late christmas gift to y'all- sorry if its angsty, its just me projecting bc lately ive been rlly dysphoric and holy shit today was a mess of deadnaming and misgendering all day :( it rlly sucked but!! im gonna get a binder hopefully with christmas money :]
> 
> sorry if this is short im not really good with words (which is why i decided on a text fic- idk i need to get words out so im writing this chapter)
> 
> im also projecting my clinginess onto someone im so touch starved pls cuddles gimmie please i want someone who will cuddle me and like we can be good friends and like play games and stuff and text without it being awkward and feel comfy around eachother but everyone i try to be friends with ends up leaving me or being toxic :( everyone always forgets me eventually
> 
> anyway pls follow my twitter @beanaintokay im lonely n if u wanna be friends just dm me :D i get nervous with dms vkskskskss ive only dm'd like dreamhangout and a few ppl who were following elon musk bc he transphobic boooooo 👎


	5. i'd marry her, i told her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> catboys
> 
> also thank you so much for 1k reads im actually gonna cry thank u so much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please my sleep schedule is so bad
> 
> requests are open 🤲🤲🤲
> 
> catboys go meow (i am catboy i literally am wearing cat ears rn /srs)
> 
> ty for the support :DDDDDDD
> 
> key:  
>  quacc = quackity  
>  goroge = george  
> im lazy so u get lazy usernames woooooo sorry :P  
> also quacc:thicc idk why i thought of this and goroge is from either one of georges tiktoks or a misspelling of mine
> 
> there will be a part two soon :] i decided to make this two parts because i cant find the motivation to finish this whole bit rn, so i will continue it later! i think it fits nicely in two parts, anyway :P

**[4:24 PM] (private messages, quackity and george)**

**quacc** : george

 **quacc** : george

 **quacc** : george

 **quacc** : george

 **quacc** : george

 **goroge** : quackity

 **quacc** : george

 **quacc** : oh there u are

 **goroge** : what do u want

 **quacc** : ur so mean /j

 **goroge** : ughhhhhhhhhh

 **goroge** : whatever do you need, your majesty

 **quacc** : much better

 **quacc** : well

 **quacc** : im bored

 **quacc** : and i want you to do some online shopping for me

 **quacc** : as soon as it hits 4:30 you have ten minutes to buy anything you want for me on amazon

 **goroge** : well

 **goroge** : i think i have an idea

 **quacc** : good luck ;)

\----

quackity didn't know what do to.

he was bored, and decided to do some online shopping- but then he'd made a terrible decision. he'd let george shop for him.

he thought about it, and george couldn't do anything _too_ bad, right?

wrong.

george had bought him fucking cat ears. _cat ears_. and that wasn't even all. he had got him a fucking _maid dress_ , too.

his first thoughts were pretty much as the following: **WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?!?**

why would he need cat ears? apparently, george had seen somebody on tiktok with cat ears and a maid dress that had gotten over a million likes. naturally, in true george fashion, he wanted clout, too. so he decided that when he was given the chance, he would force one of his friends into some cat ears and a maid costume and make them dance.

oh, and he didn't forget about the fucking eyeliner george got on top of it. he was fucking crazy if he thought that quackity would willingly be putting this on.

quackity felt a buzz from his phone in his pocket- he looked at it, and of course it was motherfucking george.

**goroge** : ill make a deal with you- ill give you $100 if you wear all this for a tiktok

and holy hell if he wasn't gonna take up that offer. of fucking course he was- who wouldn't?!

he quickly sent him a text back, wondering what the actual fuck he was getting into.

**quacc** : fucking fine

quackity sighed. he was absolutely screwed, and in the worst way possible. he went to create his tiktok account.

\----

there was two fucking amazon boxes on his doorstep. they were haunting him, he was sure of it. quackity really didn't want to bring them inside and face the reality that he had to wear this silly little fucking costume for georges clout and $100.

_yolo, motherfuckers_ , he thought as he tore open the smaller box.

right there, covered by light plastic wrapping, was the cat ears and the fucking eyeliner. aka, 2/3's of the bane of his existence at the moment.

quackity just sighed and opened the larger box with much less _yolo, motherfuckers_.

in the box it held the goddamn maid dress. out of _all_ the things george could've picked, he picked this silly fucking costume. of fucking course he did though, it _was_ george they were talking about.

shooting george a quick text that said 'they arrived', he got the dress out of its wrapping and held it out in front of him.

he heavily sighed. he was in for a motherfucking treat, that was for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so my brain is just a never ending cycle of angst but for some reason i find writing stuff like this easier so B)
> 
> i decided to do more of this traditional writing and i hope u like it :] still some chat in there tho!
> 
> also someone remid me to post the chapter with corpse in it i feel like im baiting u guayss sinve i dont think ive posted it yet 
> 
> oh god oh fuck it its fu gtkjdvns its raininh its probabyly gonnna storm i hate it :( /neg


	6. i'd make it me, and not him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i know this isnt part two, but i promised the bingus corpse husband chapter, soo....
> 
> bingus and spoingus <3
> 
> oh and theres some eret and puffy friendship at the beginning yes booty bandits supremacy
> 
> homiesexual 😤😤😤😤🥵🥵😈😈😈😈
> 
> also, if theres any mistakes or anything, its bc this was prewritten :P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik this isnt the part two of catboy quackity you guys wanted, but,..... u got 1) eret and puffy friendship pog 2) bingus and spoingus and 3) homiesexual  
> so while it isnt p2, i tried making it interesting :)

_** [3.48 AM] ** _

**queerios** :  _@captain puff_

**queerios** :  _@captain puff_

**queerios** :  _@captain puff_

**captin puff** : ..yes, eret?

**queerios** : do u wanna hang out

**captain puff** : ,,,,like, rn? this isnt unusual for u ngl but its also 3 in the morning and you have school tomorrow

**queerios** : oh

**queerios** : true

**queerios** : than ill pull an all nighter  😏👍

**captain puff** : mx when was the last time u REALLY slept

**queerios** : that is a question i cannot answer

**captain puff** : EXACTLY WHY U SHOULD GO TO SLEEP NOW

**queerios** : nah

**queerios** : i got my redbulls

**queerios** : so do u wanna help me pick out my outfit or nah?

**captain puff** : HELL YEAH LETS MAKE IT A FASHION SHOW

**captian puff** : u can come over to mine :) bring ur favorite clothes

**queerios** : YES AWSEOME!!!!!

**queerios** : ur the best puff :)

**captain puff** : <3 /p

**queerios** : <3 /p

_** [8.14 AM] ** _

**flower girl :]:** ok that was wholesome and all but ERET IM GOING TO FORCE YOU OUT OF SCHOOL AND MAKE YOU SLEEP A WHOLE WEEK I STG YOU NEED SLEEP YOU ARE A HUMAN BEINGGGG PLSS

**queerios** : im sorry niki :( /gen

**flower girl :]** : hmph. * _bonk_ *  🔨

**queerios** : ive been... bonked...

\----

_** [10.25] ** _

**party park!** : _@dre_

**dre** : yee?

**party park!** : can i invite a person to the server pls :))))

**dre** : sure send me their discord

_** ‘ ‘ few minutes later , , ** _

**dre** : sure go ahead

**party park!** : OK POG

** [party park! added corpse] **

** [corpse changed their name to bingus] **

**[party park! changed their name to spoingus]** _(im sorry but writing out long names makes my fingers hurt so i changed karls)_

**bingus** : hi

**spoingus** : HELLO BINGUS BELOVED

**spoingus** : EVERYONE THIS IS CORPSE HUSBAND HE MAKES AWESEOM MUSIC AND IS RLLY FUNNY AND NICE

**beaver maid man** : dam i wish skeppy greeted me like that

**skeppy :P** : hmmmm i thought about it and no ❤️

**skeppy :P** : i will always bully u beaver maid man

**skeppy :P** : i still love u tho bro /p

**beaver maid man:** HA _@muffin man_ SKEPPY SAID HE LOVES MEEEE

**beaver maid man** : but actually ilyt bro /p

**sappity nappity:** homiesexual 😤😤😤😤🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵😈😈😈

**beaver maid man** : no

**beaver maid man** : skeppy is a BRO not a HOMIE

**beaver maid man** : theres a DIFFERENCE /nm

**sappity nappity:** hmmmm i suppose

**skeppy :P** : bro.... <3

**beaver maid man** : bro <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for the support oh my god  
> i never even thought this would get 100 reads, nonetheless 1.3k reads. you guys are truly amazing and inspiring :] i got so much motivation thanks to u guys :))))


	7. ive got words on my mind that im too scared to speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> title is lyrics of the song structure by odd sweetheart
> 
> ooh yuh get it i guess  
> next chapter vurb!!! i added sykkuno this chapter because i felt like it just fit more,, yknow?  
> more ppl added to the gc, its getting a little WILDDDD IN HEREE
> 
> sorry if anyones ooc, and for the short chapter, i ran outta ideas (′～`；)
> 
> and if you live in america, please stay safe. we dont know whats going to happen next. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every time i add somebody the context changes every time, i swear  
> this time its a server. EVERYONE SAY HI TO SYKKUNO!!!!!!
> 
> i just KNOW the fact that i made his name 'catboys are ruining my life' will haunt me in the future because its so long but thats a problem for future bean 😎👍
> 
> also, thoughts on a party chapter? covid dont exist in this world baybeyyyysssss bc i say so owo

**[3:29 am]**

**sappitus nappitus:** hey yall im here with my best friend

**sappitus nappitus** : best friend, show them your moves

**spoingus** : *gently fortnite dances*

**sappitus nappitus** : go!!!

**sappitus nappitus** : ooh yuh get it i guess

**sappitus nappitus** : okay im next best friend

**sappitus nappitus** : get the camera

**sappitus nappitus** : *aggressively nae naes*

**sappitus nappitus** : karl, hype me up

**dre** **:** crickets

**bingus:** nono im clapping it was a great performance i loved it

**bingus:** also dream can i add somebody pleeeeeeaaaaaassssseeeee

**dre** : sure sure

**bingus** : YAYYY

**_[bingus added sykkuno to the server]_ **

**_[bingus changed sykkunos name to catboys are ruining my life]_ **

**catboys are ruining my** **life** : hi, i guess?

**bingus** : EVERYBODY SAY HELLO TO SYKKUNO

**spoingus** : that sounds like a threat

**bingus** **:** thats because it is

**spoingus:** HI SYKKUNOOOOO

**sappitus** **nappitus:** hello sykkuno! :]

**muffin man:** hi sykkuno!! welcome to this chaotic server!!!!

**muffin man:** also, why are you guys up?? go to sleep!!

**spoingus:** why are yOUUUUU up, badboyhalo?

**muffin man** **:** rat woke me up!!! had to go to the bathroom, the muffinhead

**muffin man** : but im going to sleep right after he comes back in!!! you guys should go to sleep too!!!

**catboys are ruining my** **life** : oh, _@muffin man_ , is rat your dog?? i have a dog named bimbus!!!!!

**muffin man** : yeah!!! rat's a fluffy white small dog, and a muffin, too (^o^)

**catboys are ruining my** **life** : omg yeah bimbus is also a lil small white fluffy dog!!!! thats so cool!!!!!!

**gogy** : GO TO SLEEEEEEEEPPP EVERYONE YOU WOKE ME UP MY PHONE IS B L A S T I N G WITH NOTIFICATIONS PLS

**dre** **:** you heard him, go to sleep everyone

**sappitus nappitus** : *cough* simp *cough*

**muffin man** : yeah, georges right!! everyone, to sleep!!! goodnight, i hope you all rest well :]


	8. do mi ti; why not me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> title is lyrics of the song washing machine heart by mitski
> 
> a sweater for you, and a sweater for you, and a sweater for you, and a sweater for you, and  
> yeah u get it. basically inspired by the rust stream sykkuno did where he gave everyone merch and it was pretty cool so. i know that only a few people got sweaters this chapter but im runnin outta motivation and im tired and will not rememnber writitng this tommorow. gn. o/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uhhhhhh brain is lagging atm and im writing another one-shot thingy that im not sure i'll finish, so i decided to write this bc its much easier on the brain yknow...,,,,, so im really sorry if this is bad or anything or if i mess some stuff up im sorry
> 
> also decided to change sykkunos user bc someone commented on the previous chapter and i am regretting making sykkunos user so long now
> 
> just looked it up and turns out rat (bbhs dog) is a girl, didnt know this, dhmu. also amazing twitter mutual just blessed me with photos of erets cats and oh my god theyre so gorgeous.. i love them so much CRIES AND SOBS erets my favorite owo (and if u dont like her, please keep your opinion to yourself.)

**[3:52 pm]**

**catboys are ruining my life:** @everyone who wants a sweater? i accidentally bought way too many and now have so many sweaters please

**bingus** : hey sykkuno

**catboys are ruining my life:** oh, hi corpse!!

**_[bingus changed catboys are ruining my lifes name to sykkuwu]_ **

**sykkuwu:** oh!!! thanks corpse!!! this user is actually pretty cool!!!!!

**muffin man** : uwu

**sykkuwu** : yeah!!!

**bingus** : anyway sykkuno i'd like a sweater please :]

**sykkuwu** : of course!!!!!

**spoingus** : OOH ME TOO PLEASE I LOVE SWEATERS

**sykkuwu** : you got it!!!!

**muffin man** **:** before i take rat on her walk, id like to claim a sweater too please :]

**sykkuwu** : of course!!!!

**queerios** : my cats r making biscuits on my hair pls they woke me up but im love them

**spoingus** : its.. 4pm?????? u just woke up?????

**bingus** : the wonders of depression sleep

**queerios** : truly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this chapter is short!! i genuinely dont know how much i write so idk if its short or long or what so ahaha sorry if its short!!!
> 
> if you guys could maybe give some requests and/or ideas in the comments, it'd be greatly appreciated!!! <3


	9. girls in bikinis and platform heels, in new hot wheels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WOO ERET BIRTHMAS!!!!!!
> 
> chapter title is lyrics from girls in bikinis by poppy!!
> 
> ELAINA ARSON!!!!!!! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PART OF ERETS STREAM HAHAHA
> 
> eret and i have matching burrito blankets pog
> 
> TED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i kind of have an obsession with stuffed animals i can cuddle with and such ahaha so i decided that is how im gonna introduce ted!!!! if you watch eret u should be familiar with their mascot type thingy plush, ted!!! a stuffed animal bear with a REEAALLYYY big body and very small head!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY BIRTHMAS ERET!!!!!! HERE IS A CHAPTER IN CELEBRATION WOO
> 
> sorry if the users arent exactly correct, i got lazy :P   
> this is in the seperate found family/strawberry family/misferns THEY HAVE SO MANY NAMES BUT IDK IF THEYRE ALL THE SAME PEOPLE ANYWAY groupchat lol. sorry if i made it angsty, wasnt my intention, i just went with my brain q_q  
> so yeahhhhh sorry if its bad, i kinda forced this one out for u gays!!!! i love u all!!!!!!!!
> 
> IM SO EXCITED FOR THE ERET THEME THAT PRECIOUS JEWEL AMOR IS MAKING IVE ONLY HAD A 31 SECOND CLIP BUT IVE BEEN HUMMING IT FOR THE PAST 5 MINUTES WOOOOO 
> 
> also im really really bad with writing diolauge (how do i spell this help) so sorry if this is shit!! also sorry if its short lol.,,,,,

**[12:00 am]**

**mother** : ERET HAPPY BIRTHDAY WOOOO

**babey** : WOO!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERET!!!!

**fungi** : YAYYYYY ERET YOU ARE AN OLD MAN NOW!!!!

**eboy** : ERET!!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYY <333

**woo** : oh, thank u guys!! you really didnt have to stay up this late for me

**babey** : no, we wanted to!!! also, come to nikis room!!! we got a surprise for you!!!!

**woo** : wait, really?? you guys seriously didnt have to

**mother** : eret.

**woo** : ..yes, niki ?

**mother** : would you do this for us? on our birthdays?

**woo** : well duh of course i would i love you guys

**mother** : and we love you too, and thats why we're doing this for you. we love u!! now come to my room for a surprise!!!!

**woo** : alright, just lemme put on a hoodie and ill be right there

**~~\--------~~ **

eret shuffled quietly across the floor of their room, not wanting to wake up the other people who slept in the same room as them.

tip-toeing out of the room, burrito blanket across their shoulders (hey, they were cold! you really can't blame them), they shut the door as quietly as they could and made their way to niki's room.

quietly opening the door and peeking in, they were quite surprised when they saw niki's best friend, elaina, whisper yell 'happy birthmas!!' and was also holding two lighters out in front of herself, the left one not working.

"shit, wait, this ones not working, lets try that again- eret, go back outside, please," said elaina, not expecting her surprise to not work.

caught off guard, eret did as she said and went back outside the door, not completely shutting it. just a second later, elaina opened the door with both lighters lit and yet again whisper yelling happy birthmas. it was nice, they thought, because elaina didn't really know them, but still wished them a happy birthday. it was sweet.

they thanked elaina and stepped into niki's room, only to be attacked with hugs from all around them. they tensed up for a second at the unexpected contact, but eased up after a minute once they realized it was their siblings hugging them, and hugged back. and if they teared up a bit, nobody commented anything.

niki was the first to pull out of the hug, the others slowly following her lead as she hurried over to her bed and grabbed a big wrapped box.

beaming, niki said "here! for you!!" and held the gift out to them.

"you really didn't have to get me anything," eret tries to say, but their siblings immediately disagree.

"well, if you insist," they finally say and take a seat on nikis bed.

they tried opening it neatly, they really did, but a nudge from fundy prompted them to just rip it open, so they did. opening the box with their hands, they reached inside to find- a plushie? it was kind of cute, looking at it, even if it had a really small head and a very large body.

"aww, thank you guys," they said, showing their gratitude for their gift.

"what are you gonna name it?" tubbo said, beaming.

pretending to think for a second, they said "ted."

"..ted?" ranboo spoke up, unsure if eret was joking or not. but their nods proved that they weren't joking.

"yeah, ted. everyone, meet ted!" they said, smiling wide and showing everyone their new stuffed animal.

"im really glad you like ted," niki said, very happy.

"yeah!!" ranboo budded in.

"of course i like it!! thank you guys so much, really, i love him" eret told everyone.

\--------

**[1:04 am]**

**queerios** : HI TO TED!!! 😎😎😎👍👍👍👍

**[ted.png]**

_(forgive me as i have absolutely no creativity so boring name lol)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK U SO MUCH FOR 2k READS NBVGDFKBVGFDHNKRJSE I LOVE U GUYS SO MUCHB FVTHCKUDRNHFDKN /pos
> 
> if you have any ideas or requests and stuff like that you'd wanna see!!!! comment plsss my mentally ill brain has no creativity and cannot come up with ideas 🧍🧍🧍  
> thinking about adding more captain puffy to the story ngl but hey idk im always up for ideas and shit pls


	10. and i don't want your pity i just want somebody near me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I FEEL BAD FOR NOT UPDATING AND MY DAYS BEEN SHIT SO FAR TODAY BUT SAM IS SO PRETTY AND I PRIME SUBBED TO RANBOO SO HERES A CHAPTER ABOUT HIM DYING HIS HAIR SPLIT DYED LIKE THE EBOY HE IS LMAO ALRIGHT THAT IS ALL HERES A NEW CHAPTER!!!!!!!!!!! IM WATCHING SAIKI K LMAOOO THERES SO MANY EPISODES BUT I LOVE HIM
> 
> okay its been like half an episode im moving on to mitski now
> 
> this is really short im sorry i have like no idea what to write pls help
> 
> song title is lyrics from nobody by mitski :,)
> 
> -edit: just fixed the formatting of this chapter im so stupid i totally forgot UEEUUEEUUUEUEEU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter begins in the misferns gc with The Fam and then switches 
> 
> james is the name of their caretaker bc im unorigional and have no creativity when im in depressive slumps lmao
> 
> i was going to write some of this out but i am not good at that..,, so if anyone maybe wanted to ,,, co-write so my chapters could be a little more interesting and stuff..,,,,,,,,, 👉👈

_**[12:48 PM]** _

**eboy** : ive been Thinking

**woo** : what about ?

**eboy** : i want to dye my hair

**woo** : wont james get mad??? we really dont want him mad :/

**babey** : true true

**fungi** : ranboo can steal one of wilburs beanies to wear around james!!

**mother** : oh yeah!! great idea fundy!! what do u think ranboo?

**eboy** : that sounds good!!

**babey** : what were u thinking of dying your hair like??

**eboy** : uh, well, you know that split hair dye? like one half is one color and the other half is a different color?

**woo** : oh yeah i know what ur talking about ive seen it all over tiktok !!!

**mother** : oh yeah minx had her hair dyed like that a while ago it was super cute!

**fungi** : ive seen it a few times, yeah

**babey** : i saw someone in target with hair like that when i was with tommy the other day!

**eboy** : cool! i was thinking of bleaching one side of my hair,, since my hairs already black, yknow..

**mother** : that sounds cool!

**woo** : family adventure time!!! B)

_**\---- they are now in the main gc that i cant even call an smp gc anymore theres so many other ppl in there at this point pls ----** _

**ranboob** : hey lol

_**[imdyedmyhair.png]** _

**bingus** : woah is it split dye? my friend emma has that hair

**ranboob** : yeah!!! my siblings r helping me do it, we have lemon demon playing in the background 😎👍

**beaver maid man:** cool!!!!

**captain puff** : thats so pog ranboo

**wilby** : ranboo it looks so good!!

**ant man** : woah thats epic

**flirter 1000:** agreed

**sam the man:** it really suits you ranboo!!

**ranboob** : thanks guys B)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we r gonna forget that i forgot ab fic!erets living situation. those cats are strays that have claimed eret as their owner. they pop in through the window every night to cuddle. i will be making a second book with head canons that you guys can comment your own on, too! B)
> 
> mentions of minx and emma langevin bc why not. women. but yknow, men 💏💏  
> and lemon demon. i love lemon demon


	11. it's not for nothing, that i believe nothing really dies. something will always be something.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bee movie script bc Yeah
> 
> I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO FORMAT THE LAST CHAPTER BRB
> 
> anyway. schlatt centered chapter to celebrate him coming back onto the smp. Glatt.
> 
> short asf chapter if u dont count the entire bee movie script 

_**[3:48 AM]** _

**schlatty patty** : ya like jazz?

**quack** : oh god not again

**schlatty patty** :

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Can you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive City graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick our job today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Catches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Can anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Check it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can't just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Couple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Come on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Congratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Couple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Cool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Could be daisies. Don't we need those? Copy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Chemical-y. Careful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Candy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Coming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Can't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Check out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Come on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? " ** _You like jazz_**?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Can I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Coffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Come on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Can I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out your job and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Cinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Crazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Check out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Columbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Case number 4475, Superior Court of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Cloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Call your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the right job. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Chapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Could you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Congratulations on your victory. What will you demand as a settlement? First, we'll demand a complete shutdown of all bee work camps. Then we want back the honey that was ours to begin with, every last drop. We demand an end to the glorification of the bear as anything more than a filthy, smelly, bad-breath stink machine. We're all aware of what they do in the woods. Wait for my signal. Take him out. He'll have nauseous for a few hours, then he'll be fine. And we will no longer tolerate bee-negative nicknames... But it's just a prance-about stage name! ...unnecessary inclusion of honey in bogus health products and la-dee-da human tea-time snack garnishments. Can't breathe. Bring it in, boys! Hold it right there! Good. Tap it. Mr. Buzzwell, we just passed three cups, and there's gallons more coming! - I think we need to shut down! - Shut down? We've never shut down. Shut down honey production! Stop making honey! Turn your key, sir! What do we do now? Cannonball! We're shutting honey production! Mission abort. Aborting pollination and nectar detail. Returning to base. Adam, you wouldn't believe how much honey was out there. Oh, yeah? What's going on? Where is everybody? - Are they out celebrating? - They're home. They don't know what to do. Laying out, sleeping in. I heard your Uncle Oarl was on his way to San Antonio with a cricket. At least we got our honey back. Sometimes I think, so what if humans liked our honey? Who wouldn't? It's the greatest thing in the world! I was excited to be part of making it. This was my new desk. This was my new job. I wanted to do it really well. And now... Now I can't. I don't understand why they're not happy. I thought their lives would be better! They're doing nothing. It's amazing. Honey really changes people. You don't have any idea what's going on, do you? - What did you want to show me? - This. What happened here? That is not the half of it. Oh, no. Oh, my. They're all wilting. Doesn't look very good, does it? No. And whose fault do you think that is? You know, I'm gonna guess bees. Bees? Specifically, me. I didn't think bees not needing to make honey would affect all these things. It's not just flowers. Fruits, vegetables, they all need bees. That's our whole SAT test right there. Take away produce, that affects the entire animal kingdom. And then, of course... The human species? So if there's no more pollination, it could all just go south here, couldn't it? I know this is also partly my fault. How about a suicide pact? How do we do it? - I'll sting you, you step on me. - That just kills you twice. Right, right. Listen, Barry... sorry, but I gotta get going. I had to open my mouth and talk. Vanessa? Vanessa? Why are you leaving? Where are you going? To the final Tournament of Roses parade in Pasadena. They've moved it to this weekend because all the flowers are dying. It's the last chance I'll ever have to see it. Vanessa, I just wanna say I'm sorry. I never meant it to turn out like this. I know. Me neither. Tournament of Roses. Roses can't do sports. Wait a minute. Roses. Roses? Roses! Vanessa! Roses?! Barry? - Roses are flowers! - Yes, they are. Flowers, bees, pollen! I know. That's why this is the last parade. Maybe not. Could you ask him to slow down? Could you slow down? Barry! OK, I made a huge mistake. This is a total disaster, all my fault. Yes, it kind of is. I've ruined the planet. I wanted to help you with the flower shop. I've made it worse. Actually, it's completely closed down. I thought maybe you were remodeling. But I have another idea, and it's greater than my previous ideas combined. I don't want to hear it! All right, they have the roses, the roses have the pollen. I know every bee, plant and flower bud in this park. All we gotta do is get what they've got back here with what we've got. - Bees. - Park. - Pollen! - Flowers. - Repollination! - Across the nation! Tournament of Roses, Pasadena, California. They've got nothing but flowers, floats and cotton candy. Security will be tight. I have an idea. Vanessa Bloome, FTD. Official floral business. It's real. Sorry, ma'am. Nice brooch. Thank you. It was a gift. Once inside, we just pick the right float. How about The Princess and the Pea? I could be the princess, and you could be the pea! Yes, I got it. - Where should I sit? - What are you? - I believe I'm the pea. - The pea? It goes under the mattresses. - Not in this fairy tale, sweetheart. - I'm getting the marshal. You do that! This whole parade is a fiasco! Let's see what this baby'll do. Hey, what are you doing?! Then all we do is blend in with traffic... ...without arousing suspicion. Once at the airport, there's no stopping us. Stop! Security. - You and your insect pack your float? - Yes. Has it been in your possession the entire time? Would you remove your shoes? - Remove your stinger. - It's part of me. I know. Just having some fun. Enjoy your flight. Then if we're lucky, we'll have just enough pollen to do the job. Can you believe how lucky we are? We have just enough pollen to do the job! I think this is gonna work. It's got to work. Attention, passengers, this is Captain Scott. We have a bit of bad weather in New York. It looks like we'll experience a couple hours delay. Barry, these are cut flowers with no water. They'll never make it. I gotta get up there and talk to them. Be careful. Can I get help with the Sky Mall magazine? I'd like to order the talking inflatable nose and ear hair trimmer. Captain, I'm in a real situation. - What'd you say, Hal? - Nothing. Bee! Don't freak out! My entire species... What are you doing? - Wait a minute! I'm an attorney! - Who's an attorney? Don't move. Oh, Barry. Good afternoon, passengers. This is your captain. Would a Miss Vanessa Bloome in 24B please report to the cockpit? And please hurry! What happened here? There was a DustBuster, a toupee, a life raft exploded. One's bald, one's in a boat, they're both unconscious! - Is that another bee joke? - No! No one's flying the plane! This is JFK control tower, Flight 356. What's your status? This is Vanessa Bloome. I'm a florist from New York. Where's the pilot? He's unconscious, and so is the copilot. Not good. Does anyone onboard have flight experience? As a matter of fact, there is. - Who's that? - Barry Benson. From the honey trial?! Oh, great. Vanessa, this is nothing more than a big metal bee. It's got giant wings, huge engines. I can't fly a plane. - Why not? Isn't John Travolta a pilot? - Yes. How hard could it be? Wait, Barry! We're headed into some lightning. This is Bob Bumble. We have some late-breaking news from JFK Airport, where a suspenseful scene is developing. Barry Benson, fresh from his legal victory... That's Barry! ...is attempting to land a plane, loaded with people, flowers and an incapacitated flight crew. Flowers?! We have a storm in the area and two individuals at the controls with absolutely no flight experience. Just a minute. There's a bee on that plane. I'm quite familiar with Mr. Benson and his no-account compadres. They've done enough damage. But isn't he your only hope? Technically, a bee shouldn't be able to fly at all. Their wings are too small... Haven't we heard this a million times? "The surface area of the wings and body mass make no sense." - Get this on the air! - Got it. - Stand by. - We're going live. The way we work may be a mystery to you. Making honey takes a lot of bees doing a lot of small jobs. But let me tell you about a small job. If you do it well, it makes a big difference. More than we realized. To us, to everyone. That's why I want to get bees back to working together. That's the bee way! We're not made of Jell-O. We get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow! - Hello! Left, right, down, hover. - Hover? - Forget hover. This isn't so hard. Beep-beep! Beep-beep! Barry, what happened?! Wait, I think we were on autopilot the whole time. - That may have been helping me. - And now we're not! So it turns out I cannot fly a plane. All of you, let's get behind this fellow! Move it out! Move out! Our only chance is if I do what I'd do, you copy me with the wings of the plane! Don't have to yell. I'm not yelling! We're in a lot of trouble. It's very hard to concentrate with that panicky tone in your voice! It's not a tone. I'm panicking! I can't do this! Vanessa, pull yourself together. You have to snap out of it! You snap out of it. You snap out of it. - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - You snap out of it! - Hold it! - Why? Come on, it's my turn. How is the plane flying? I don't know. Hello? Benson, got any flowers for a happy occasion in there? The Pollen Jocks! They do get behind a fellow. - Black and yellow. - Hello. All right, let's drop this tin can on the blacktop. Where? I can't see anything. Can you? No, nothing. It's all cloudy. Come on. You got to think bee, Barry. - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Wait a minute. I think I'm feeling something. - What? - I don't know. It's strong, pulling me. Like a 27-million-year-old instinct. Bring the nose down. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - What in the world is on the tarmac? - Get some lights on that! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! - Vanessa, aim for the flower. - OK. Out the engines. We're going in on bee power. Ready, boys? Affirmative! Good. Good. Easy, now. That's it. Land on that flower! Ready? Full reverse! Spin it around! - Not that flower! The other one! - Which one? - That flower. - I'm aiming at the flower! That's a fat guy in a flowered shirt. I mean the giant pulsating flower made of millions of bees! Pull forward. Nose down. Tail up. Rotate around it. - This is insane, Barry! - This's the only way I know how to fly. Am I koo-koo-kachoo, or is this plane flying in an insect-like pattern? Get your nose in there. Don't be afraid. Smell it. Full reverse! Just drop it. Be a part of it. Aim for the center! Now drop it in! Drop it in, woman! Come on, already. Barry, we did it! You taught me how to fly! - Yes. No high-five! - Right. Barry, it worked! Did you see the giant flower? What giant flower? Where? Of course I saw the flower! That was genius! - Thank you. - But we're not done yet. Listen, everyone! This runway is covered with the last pollen from the last flowers available anywhere on Earth. That means this is our last chance. We're the only ones who make honey, pollinate flowers and dress like this. If we're gonna survive as a species, this is our moment! What do you say? Are we going to be bees, or just Museum of Natural History keychains? We're bees! Keychain! Then follow me! Except Keychain. Hold on, Barry. Here. You've earned this. Yeah! I'm a Pollen Jock! And it's a perfect fit. All I gotta do are the sleeves. Oh, yeah. That's our Barry. Mom! The bees are back! If anybody needs to make a call, now's the time. I got a feeling we'll be working late tonight! Here's your change. Have a great afternoon! Oan I help who's next? Would you like some honey with that? It is bee-approved. Don't forget these. Milk, cream, cheese, it's all me. And I don't see a nickel! Sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat! I had no idea. Barry, I'm sorry. Have you got a moment? Would you excuse me? My mosquito associate will help you. Sorry I'm late. He's a lawyer too? I was already a blood-sucking parasite. All I needed was a briefcase. Have a great afternoon! Barry, I just got this huge tulip order, and I can't get them anywhere. No problem, Vannie. Just leave it to me. You're a lifesaver, Barry. Can I help who's next? All right, scramble, jocks! It's time to fly. Thank you, Barry! That bee is living my life! Let it go, Kenny. - When will this nightmare end?! - Let it all go. - Beautiful day to fly. - Sure is. Between you and me, I was dying to get out of that office. You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. - Thinking bee! - Me? Hold it. Let's just stop for a second. Hold it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. Can we stop here? I'm not making a major life decision during a production number! All right. Take ten, everybody. Wrap it up, guys. I had virtually no rehearsal for that.

**sappity nappity:** did he just

**furry:** i.. i think he did...

**queerios:** holy fuck

**manifold** : What The Fuck, Schlatt

**PUNZIE BOY** : what the shit

**schlatty patty:** oops my finger slipped

**quack** : hes probably just drunk guys LMAO

~~\----~~

_**[10:19 AM]** _

**dre** : what the everloving Fuck happened last night??? or like 7 hours ago same thing

**quack** : well, dream, as it seems, schlatt was Drunk As Fuck last night and copied and pasted the whole bee movie script. i dont know how he passed the character limit, but he Did.

**schlatty** **patty** : yeh hahaha it was hilarious

**dre** : im so sure, schlatt /s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ueueeueueueueeueueuueueeuueueuueuuueueueueuuueueueuueueuueueueeuueuueuueeuueueueeue give me ideas please


	12. its not fair. its not fair. not fair, not fair, not fair not fair not fair not fair not fair not fair!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> double chapters pog
> 
> it is raining rlly loud and i dont like loud noises so i choose to cry and listen to music and distract myself wuuuuweueueue lol i am not mentally Okay so heres me projecting onto ranboo because i like his content a lot and uh hes rlly cool and i relate to him more than i should. and using eret as comfort because he slightly reminds me of my sibling who i have deemed my comfort lesbian. sorry for The Angst.
> 
> title is just from That One tiktok sound thats mixed with the song hey kids lol i like it for some reason. i think its from danganrompa?
> 
> if this needs any tws, tell me please
> 
> STRICTLY PLATONIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> edit: i do not remember writing this chapter. not pogchamp. i know i wrote it tho, its just my shit memory and sleep deprived brain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u think any of this is ship stuff pls Get Off My Fic and Leave. ur not welcome. strictly platonic family love shit right here homies woo pleasse someone love me i am so lonely!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
> 
> didnt include everyone bc some of the family gotta be asleep ,,,, if u want me to add them in i can easily do that just comment 'give me niki and fundy in chapter pls' or somethig like that and ill add them in lol but rn rn they sleepin. goiing snooze!
> 
> ERET STREAMED TODAY EURIRDFSHDBVRKNSGVKDJSEFNCLRSVK YES!!!!!!!! I WATCHED ALL OF IT LOLGNJLERSKHLDCIRDGVNS I LOVE ERET SO MUCH !!!!!!!!!!! THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ENIGMA GANG² YALL R THE BEST UEURDFKHUEGT <333333
> 
> sorry if this is ooc, ive just recently started actuallly watching rnboo. ive been following him on twitch for a while but havent ever gotten into him as much as i have recently

_**[2:03 am]** _

**eboy** : uh. sorry to bother you guys, but is anyone up?

**woo** : im up! my kitties woke me up with their purring about an hour ago so we've just been cuddling if u want to join us?

**babey** : im up too!!!

**eboy** : oh, uh, if you guys would be okay with that? cuddles, i mean

**woo** : of course!!! the cats love you :)

**babey** : can i join too??

**woo** : if ranboos comfortable with taht, yeah!

**eboy** : sure, tubbo :]

~~_**\----** _ ~~

ranboo sighed as he moved to put on his socks. this felt like an almost daily routine by now; waking up from a nightmare, only not knowing what it actually was, and then asking his siblings for some sort of comfort. he felt almost selfish, asking them for comfort almost every night, but he knew they didn't mind. maybe, just maybe, he thought, he was allowed to be selfish. he had never had such a close knit group that they called each other family before, and if he did? he couldn't remember.

he really hoped they would never get separated. they were some of the only people he really felt completely comfortable with as far as he could remember.

moving quietly as to not wake up the other inhabitants of the room, he made it across the room before he heard a slight shift. freezing, he slightly turned his head to see that niki was just turning around in her sleep. sighing, he slightly relaxed before opening the door as quietly as he could and stepping out, before closing it just as quiet.

tip toeing to his other siblings room that they were in, he made sure to be quiet. it was quite anxiety inducing, really.

he made it to their door after what seemed like forever, opening it quietly and then turning around and shutting it. turning back around and looking in the direction of erets bed, he spotted his sibling in a burrito blanket and a black blob that looked vaguely like a cat on their chest and his other brother curled up in their left armpit, stroking the cat lightly as it pawed erets chest with its paws.

he saw erets hand beckoning him over, so he lightly walked over and got under erets blanket, curling around their right side. sighing heavily and closing his eyes, he felt his whole body relax as it finally registered he was safe. as he started to doze off, he felt the familiar touch of lips on his forehead, giving him a fond kiss before he fell asleep for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> does anyone know erets cats name? id check my friends twt account but i dont feel like doing that rn lmao so until i do that or someone tells me, theyll just be called kitties or cats or somethign like that for now
> 
> i forgot the dynamics of their rooms so for this im pretending that fundy and niki and ranboo are in one room (pretend they fell asleep watchin a movie. howls moving castle, lets say)  
> and tubbo n eret are in another room ig just Vibing
> 
>   
> sorry if its short brain hasnt been working lately aaaaaa


	13. i ask for nothing, but maybe im lying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> heres a shitpost copypasta chapter while i work on ideas for transinnit! :DDD 
> 
> title is lyrics from the song ask for nothing by lemon demon bc lemon demon, mitski, and crywank is all i listen to now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for some reason i rlly like writing schlatt,,,

[5:20 AM]

**quack** : hey _**@schlatty patty**_ where did u go i miss u

**schlatty patty** : What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.

**quack** : i take it back schlatt please go away i despise you the marriage is over im marrying karl and sapnap now

**spoingus** : HELL YEAH _**@sappity nappity**_ YOU HEAR THAT???

**sappity nappity** : WOOO COME HERE FIANCÉ MWAH /p

**quack** : see, schlatt, theyre much better! (smooch /p)

**schlatty patty** : please babe i take it back :(

**quack** : we’re over /j

——

_**[10:41 AM]** _   
  


**muffin man** : those muffins are so dramatic o.O

**quack** : skeppy once got the flu and you literally went and purposefully hung out with him so he wouldnt be sick alone and made a huge deal out of it and ended up getting half the school sick

**muffin man** : nO

**skeppy :P** : bad.. dont try and fool him, its true :,)

**muffin man** : BETRAYAL /j


	14. and when you take his breath away he might as well be dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> transinnit chapter finally! im having some heavy dysphoria lately and have been wearing two sports bras to hide The Tits for about 3 days now so woooo /s  
> ok update i took them Off thank u andy and bee for convincing me it does feel rather good to breathe :,)
> 
> also! i have an oc for the dsmp that i really like ,,,,,, thinking about maybe expanding their character and posting it on here ! it'd be a series methinks bc one would be just headcanons and stuff, and another would be like an actual book? or oneshot? or something,, but im rlly invested in her story ..,,  
> would that be something you guys are interested in? /gen
> 
> edit: forgot a title ,, oops. its now lyrics from the song maybe its boring by wilbur soot! <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the first part is a seperate chat with eret and tommy (transinnit name not decided yet ,, pls help) this will be in multiple parts (yes, i mean it, im sorry catboy quackity

_**[1:24 AM]** _

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** hey, uh, eret? can you talk? if you're asleep thats okay ill just uh ill wait until you do wake up or ill just keep it to myself ahaha its fine if you dont answer

**herobrine** : im awake! whats up?

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** uh, can we maybe call?

**herobrine** : sure! video or voice call?

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH** : video? voice? shit i dont know, uh, voice?

**herobrine** : okay! we can

_(herobrine has started a voice call. join?)_

_**[yes]** [no]_

_{ transcript of call } _

_eret:_ hey, tommy, whats up?

_tommy:_ oh, uh, i was just wondering- how did you know you weren't, uh, cis?

_eret:_ ohh, yeah, okay! well, i was reffered to as a 'male' and a 'boy' and a 'brother' my whole life, yeah? and ever since i can remember, it never felt right. like something wasn't right with that statement. so, basically, when i was learning about sexualities and such, back when i was questioning, the topic of gender came up too! so with that, i learned what the term 'non-binary' meant. then it just clicked, and suddenly it all made sense- i never really had any connection to my gender, and it just summed it all up.

_tommy:_ oh, uh, yeah! i, uh, i've been doing my own research, and, uh, i think i might be trans?

_eret:_ oh?

_tommy:_ uh, yeah, i think? i was just out of nowhere looking up why i felt so bad in my body and why i hate being called a male, and it came up, and it think it really fits

_eret:_ do you want to try out new pronouns?

_tommy:_ uh, she/her please?

eret: okay! uhh, lemme think

_tommy:_ mhm

_eret:_ okay! so, shes a great friend and her laugh is contagious. i love playing minecraft with her and she likes music.

_tommy_ : i liked that more than i probably should have

_eret:_ so, she/her, yeah? those sound good?

_tommy:_ er, yeah! can you, uh, maybe, use them in private? like just us? i still need to come up with a name too, oh god this is a lot

_eret_ : yeah, of course! and dont stress too much right now! i'd recommend sleeping on it and you can think more in the morning, yeah?

_tommy:_ uh, yeah, that sounds pretty pog- thank you, eret, by the way, for helping me. it means a lot.

_eret:_ of course! sweet dreams, tommy

_tommy:_ sweet dreams, eret

_(hang up?)_

_**[yes]** [no]_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all like it! now its time to update tags *sigh*


	15. throwing poison seeds into the wind mtake the poison tree growing in me begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> title is lyrics from the song poison tree by grouper aka a song i really like.
> 
> i ignore sbi canon and instead force what i desperately want onto them /hj
> 
> transinnit pog. decided her name is now gonna be clementine. thank u to the commenter who suggesteted that, ur very pog B)
> 
> REMINDER THIS IS STRICTLY PLATONIC THEY ARE FAMILYYYYYYYY
> 
> // accidental deadnaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was surprisingly easy to write
> 
> sleepy bois chat names:  
> phil: literally a dad  
> techno: literally a pig  
> wilbur: literally a ghost  
> tommy: literally a child
> 
> sorry if ooc i project too much oh my

_**[3:18 PM]** _

**literally a child:** hey guys

**literally a pig:** why are u acting so sus

you never start conversations like this

**literally a ghost:** whats up tommy?

and yeah technos right

**literally a dad** : i agree with those two. whats wrong?

**literally a child:** oh haha

nothing to worry about ahaha im just gonna...,, go now. yup. bye

**_ [literally a child has left the server] _ **

**_ [literally a dad has added literally a child to the server. say hi!] _ **

**literally a child** : damnit

**literally a dad** : now explain

**literally a child** : aaaahhaah so uhhh what are your guys thoughts on transgender people?

**literally a pig:** tommy you are being so sus rn but i dont want to out you so i will let you explain. also, they are humans like the rest of us and if they want to identify with a gender different from their birth that is perfectly fine and doesn't bother me one bit /srs

**literally a ghost** : what techno said

**literally a dad:** yeah what techno said pretty much sums it up

**literally a child** : soo ahaha what if i told you i was uhh trans? male to female?

what would you say then ahaha

**literally a dad:** then i'd be okay with that!

**literally a ghost** : ooh a sister pog

**literally a pig** : ..what wilbur said

oh yeah what are your pronouns and what would you like to be called?

**literally a child:** hold on let me stop my tears real quick then ill answer

**literally a ghost** : Cuddle Time

**literally a child:** oh no /j

**literally a pig:** Oh Yes

**literally a dad:** so name and pronouns? :)

**literally a child:** oh yeah! uh, clementine and she/her please.

**literally a ghost:** cleminnit! has a nice ring to it, yeah?

**literally a pig:** didnt you say that if you had a pet moth you'd name it clementine

**literally a dad:** techno how do you remember that tommy was literally four

**literally a pig:** big brain

**literally a dad:** understandable

**literally a child:** not to be sappy or anything but uh, thank you guys for being so accepting. genuinely, thank you so much.

**literally a dad:** yeah, clementine, of course! i love you

**literally a child:** <3

**literally a ghost:** <3

**literally a pig:** ... <3


	16. an eye for an eye, you'll go blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> title is lyrics from the song only a matter of time by joshua bassett B)
> 
> HOLY HELL THANK U GUYS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT LATELY WOAH  
> THANK YOUUUU EUEUEUEUEU IT REALLY GENUINELY MOTIVATES ME
> 
> i hope u know i have no clue how discord works,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, this isnt even on discord at this point pls..
> 
> SO HERE! CLEM SHOWS OFF SOME DRESSES (if you want, i can find a good dress on pintrest and link it next chapter so y'all can have a visual! i know that im really really bad at imagining things when i dont have like a visual representation of it and stuff like that iykyk)
> 
> FULLY FLUFFFFFFFFFFF YESSSSSSS /srs
> 
> strictly platonic. dont be weirdchamp 😐

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first convo is in a sleepy bois + tubbo vc chat and then transcript because yes im in sleepytwt and i am HUNGRY for content PLEASE I MISS WILBUR SO BAD UEUUEUE  
> tubbos username is 'literally a bee'
> 
> not from anybodys POV, i just wanted to put in that (join?) thingy bc they all joined B)  
> also. formatting is different. not because i wanted to but because i forgot what it was last time.  
> i use emoticons to try and display their emotions occasionally LMAO it looks weird but oh well.
> 
> i forget the au we're in sometimes ngl. some of them are youtubers like techno and phil bc theyre Older i guess idk LMAO i gotta fix these plot holes n make the second part to this series.. someone remind me in comments pls AAAAAAAA
> 
> also im getting reinterested in greek mythology and want to learn more than just percy jackson,,, so,,,,, expect that maybe if i get into it enough :,)
> 
> for the dress clementine wears first im thinking of one of those spaghetti strap style dresses that has a flowy skirt that goes just above the knee in a navy blue color and a white shirt (collared? who knows) underneath. thats just what i thought up rn with 1 google search for inspo :D

**[4:20 PM]**

**literally a child:** hahaha funny number

**literally a ghost** : clementine you are literally a minor. sit down u child

**literally a bee** : yeah clem >:)

**literally a child** : TUBBO YOU ARE NOT EVEN THAT OLDER THAN ME YOU SHOULD STILL BE CONSIDERED A CHILD TOO!

**literally a pig** : yet you admit he is older than you

**literally a dad** : clementine is a child *confirmed*

and clem, we're just teasing you :) /gen

**literally a child** : yeah yeah

fine ill admit it

**literally a pig** : finally

**literally a child** : IM NOT A CHILD AHAHAHA IM A WOMAN POG

DOES ANYONE WANNA SEE MY DRESSES I GOT 5 OF THEM

**literally a ghost** : OH MY CLEM YES PLEASE SHOW US

**literally a bee** : YES PLSSS VIDEO CALL!!!

**literally a child** : OKAY POG! JOIN IF U WANT

_**[literally a child started a video call. join?]** _

_**(yes)** (no)_

_**clementine** : _HELLO FELLOW POGCHAMPIONS

_**phil**_ : hi clem!

**_tubbo_** : CLEMENTINE!!!! HI!!!!!

_**techno**_ : hello :)

_**wilbur:**_ hey everyone!

_**clementine** : _so which dress first? eh nevermind im just going to randomly pick one and surprise you guys

_**tubbo**_ : that sounds pog! we can discuss new video ideas while we wait :D

_**clementine** :_ okay! be back soon guys :D

_**techno**_ : so

_**techno**_ : i was thinking of doing this minecraft mod challenge where both skeppy and i are invisible and we have to try and beat the ender dragon first

_**wilbur**_ : *in a friendly teasing tone* oh of course it includes skeppy

_**phil**_ : boys dont be mean :)

_**tubbo**_ : i think thats a good idea tech!

_**phil**_ : agreed!

_**phil**_ : i was thinking for my next video it could be a minecraft video except i have to take axolotls with me my whole adventure. maybe stream it, edit the highlights, and make a video out of it :D

**_wilbur_ :** i like that idea! minecraft axolotls are so cute

_**tubbo**_ : I WANT ONEEEE in minecraft of course

_**phil**_ : ooh maybe you guys can join in the vc while i stream? if you're not busy :)

_**techno:**_ depends on what day you stream, really

_**phil**_ : ill get a plan then!

_**clementine**_ : IM BACK

_**tubbo**_ : WOOOOO IM SO READY FOR THIS IM SO EXCITED

_**clementine**_ : TURNING ON MY CAMERAAA

**_[clementine has turned on their camera. watch?]_ **

_**(yes) ** (no)_

clementine does a small twirl, showing off the dress with a big smile.

everyone in the call oohs and ahhs, looking in excitement and fondness at clementines happiness in this dress.

wilbur is the first to speak up, with a "clementine! you look great!!"

there's a chorus of agreements after that, and clementine chirps a small 'thank you' while looking at the dress in amazement.

tubbo then suddenly screams, "CLEMENTINE I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!! YOU LOOK SO HAPPY I COULD CRY,"

"THANK YOU TUBBO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" clementine yells back, giving her camera a kiss. tubbo repeats it, laughing along.

> **_(((((((((((( id like to put in a reminder that this fic is STRICTLY. PLATONIC. if you ship minors, or people that are uncomfy with being shipped, dni. i just wanted to include that because it reminds me of when my best friend and i were on facetime today and kissed the screen. kith kith :* /p )))))))))))))))_ **

phil sighed, and they could all hear the love in it. "clementine, i think you look lovely." he genuinely told her.

clementine smiled even brighter, if that was even possible. "thank you guys so much," she said, beaming.

everybody told her your welcome, all worded differently.

"well," she sighed, still smiling brightly. "i think im gonna go try the rest on, if you guys want to stay in the vc you can! i'm gonna mute and turn off my camera, though," she finished, and they could all hear the smile through her voice.

"okay, clem! have a good evening, everybody, im out! thinking about making a streaming plan for the next month." phil said, and they could all practically hear the wave that came from him as they all dished out their goodbyes and one by one, left, until it was only clementine and tubbo left.

"tubboooo, what are you still doing in the call?" clementine said from looking in her mirror across the room.

tubbo yawned, saying, "i think im gonna fall asleep in the call, if you dont mind,"

clementine smiled softly, although tubbo couldn't see it, and replied with an "of course big man, no problem!"

"i love you," tubbo said, genuinely, and clementine could hear the exhaustion clear in his voice. it made her a bit worried.

"i love you too, tubbo. now get some rest, will ya?" clementine replied. it may seem teasing to some, but they both knew it was genuine.

"yeah, clem, ill do that." tubbo mumbled out, more than half asleep.

once clementine realized he was asleep, she sighed fondly, and then turned back around to look in her mirror again. normally, she cringed whenever she saw the mirror, and avoided it at all costs. but now, with a beautiful dress on and feeling confident, she couldn't help but stare at her reflection. she felt amazing. 


	17. am i living an illusion? i want to runaway, runaway, runaway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im feeling extremely dysphoric for a while its been crappy lately and im so mentally exhausted so i decided oh well, might as well project onto clementine and give her the support i never will have! so thats what im doing ahaha
> 
> anyway. on this weeks episode of cleminnit we get a sexuality crisis!!! some fics of this are super rushed and act like figuring out your sexuality is so easy when it really isnt. so this might either be a little two part thing in this arc or it might just have a time skip idk. i write summarys and stuff before i write the chapters LMAO
> 
> sorry beforehand for mistakes. im so tired and i havent been comrehending anything for the past month at least and my memory has been absolute dog shit for a while now and i dont know how to fix it so if there is any mistakes in this im so sorry
> 
> title is lyrics from the song runaway runaway by mars argo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for lack of content, school has been kicking my ass and i got really unmotivated and burnt out lol
> 
> the plot line is all over the place. i need to get some type of living arrangements assured and settled or something, i think thats gonna be the second book of this series? someone remind me in comments or ill forget pls
> 
> usernames for niki and clementine convo r these:  
> niki: niki nihachoo  
> clementine: good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem
> 
> yes clems is long but it makes so much sense yknow i had to im sorry for mobile users

**[4:52 PM]**

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** eret

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** i have a question

**herobrine** : what is it?

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** if i was heterosexual before i transitioned and realized my true gender n stuff yknow

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** does that make me a lesbian now???

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** i am having a sexuality crisis eret

**herobrine** : oH

**herobrine** : i'd think so

**herobrine** : unless like you are sure you are either lesbian or straight or whatever?

**herobrine:** what brought this on?

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** tiktok

**herobrine** : ahhh yeah that makes sense

**herobrine** : well remember that sexuality is fluid, yeah? you dont need to be labeled

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** yeah

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** okay

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** thanks, eret

**herobrine** : of course!!!

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** also uh, i was thinking about telling niki

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** we are not very close but i know she's really good at makeup

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** and you've painted your nails before, yeah?

**herobrine** : i think it would be a good idea!! niki is very supportive and is lgbtq too :]

**herobrine:** and yeah, i have! if you want help painting yours i can come over and help?

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** yes please

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** thank you so much

**herobrine** : of course B)

_**\---------------** _

**[5:14 PM]**

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** hey niki

**niki nihachoo** : hi!

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** so uh

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** im just gonna come clean and say

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** im trans

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** my name is clementine and i use she/her pronouns

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** not sure on sexuality

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** im sorry if thats a lot i just wanted to come out to you and uh had no other way of saying it really

**niki nihachoo:** oh wow yeah this is a lot

**niki nihachoo** : thats okay though! im very proud of you for coming out to me

**niki nihachoo:** i fully support you, clementine :) is there anything i can do for you?

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** i was actually gonna ask if you had any makeup tips?

**niki nihachoo:** OH YES!!!

**niki nihachoo:** i have so many

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** would it be okay if u could come over?

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** oh yeah and eret already knows theyve been a major help

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** we were planning on painting our nails together :DD so maybe u can tag along and teach me makeup as well?

**niki nihachoo** : i'd love too :DD

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** thank you :) /gen

**niki nihachoo:** of course! talk to ya later :)  
 ****

**good morning god has let me live another day and i'm about to make it everyone's problem:** ttyl :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for u guys in the comments asking about percy jackson yes i read the entirety of heroes of olympus and whatever the first series was i am blanking my memory is shit i apologize. i am putting off the greek mythology until the end of the school year bc my history teacher said that we are gonna have a whole big project where we can learn the history of like any culture we want and im gonna do it then i think so i know where to start :DDD
> 
> also this is for zephyr my beloved heart gif


	18. it's just a cigarette; it'll soon be only ten / honey, can you trust me?, when i want to stop i can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short schlatt intermission this isnt very interesting tbh just copypasta  
> might write schlatt backstory soon or something idk LMAO
> 
> title is lyrics from the cigarette duet by princess chelsea   
> (i think?)
> 
> ALSO SOMEONE REMIND ME IN COMMENTS TO WRITE THE BACKSTORY OF WHY FUNDY IS CALLED A FURRY I KEEP FORGETTING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for enigma gang 2
> 
> i looked up r/copypasta and im giving u all an intermission as i come up with more ideas  
> ( AND!!!!!! I THINK I GOT A DSMP TEACHERS AU HC/ONESHOTS BOOK IN THE MAKING???? DEPENDS HOW I LIKE IT :D )
> 
> i forgot usernames so im going purely off memory bc im lazy so if theres mistakes which im sure there is i apologize
> 
> yes this is ooc i dont care its a non important to plot intermission just to Feed u guys some content also ty for almost uhhh 6k or 5k was it i forgot reads ty smiles

[6:02 PM]

schlatty patty: So my (M420) son (M69) still lives in my house because I'm forcing him too. Lately I've been coding his food in a substance that makes him gain twice the amount of weight. I simply want him to look like my idol and father figure Big Chungus. It is also punishment for catching him without wearing a fedora and even texting emojis to his friends! I feel like if anything I'm going a little easy on him but idk. He called me TA because it is unhealthy but I'm doing it for a good cause. I'm sure you all agree that turning my son into big chungus is wholesome. But with that being said, AITA? /c

bee boi: LOL

bee boi: wait

bee boi: didn't u say that u adopted me like 5 months ago

bee boi: so does that make me your son

bee boi: PLEASE DONT MAKE ME BIG CHUNGUS I BEG

schlatty patty: sorry son but you'r either big chungus or your nothing

_ )) authors note. yes, you'r is a genuine spelling mistake. yes, i am keeping it in there for character. idk why (( _

bee boi: oh god oh fuck

schlatty patty: chungus time

schlatty patty: hey @quacc

quacc: wait what

schlatty patty:

Fuck you. You useless piece of shit. You absolute waste of space and air. You uneducated, ignorant, idiotic dumb swine, you’re an absolute embarrassment to humanity and all life as a whole. The magnitude of your failure just now is so indescribably massive that one hundred years into the future your name will be used as moniker of evil for heretics. Even if all of humanity put together their collective intelligence there is no conceivable way they could have thought up a way to fuck up on the unimaginable scale you just did. When Jesus died for our sins, he must not have seen the sacrilegious act we just witnessed you performing, because if he did he would have forsaken humanity long ago so that your birth may have never become reality. After you die, your skeleton will be displayed in a museum after being scientifically researched so that all future generations may learn not to generate your bone structure, because every tiny detail anyone may have in common with you degrades them to a useless piece of trash and a burden to society. No wonder your father questioned whether or not you were truly his son, for you'd have to not be a waste of carbon matter for anyone to love you like a family member. Your birth made it so that mankind is worse of in every way you can possibly imagine, and you have made it so that society can never really recover into a state of the organization. Everything has forever fallen into bewildering chaos, through which unrecognizable core, you can only find misfortune. I would say the apocalypse is upon us but this is merely the closest word humans have for the sheer scale of horror that is now a reality. You have forever condemned everyone you love and know into an eternal state of suffering, worse than any human concept of hell. You are such an unholy being, that if you step within a one hundred foot radius of a holy place or a place that has ever been deemed important by anyone, your distorted sac religious soul will ruin whatever meaning it ever had beyond repair. You are an idiotic, shit-eating, dumbass ape and no one has ever loved you. Rhodes Island would have been better off if you'd never joined us. You are a lying, backstabbing, cowardly useless piece of shit and I hate you with every single part of my being. Even this world's finest writers and poets from throughout the ages could never hope to accurately describe the scale on which you just fucked up, and how incredibly idiotic you are. Anyone that believes in any religion out there should now realize that they have been wrong this entire time, for if divine beings were real, they would never have allowed a being such as you to stain the earth and this universe. In the future, there will be horror stories made about you, with the scariest part of them being that the reader has to realize that such an indescribable monster actually exists and that the horrific events from the movie have actually taken place in the same world that they live in right now. You are the absolute embodiment of everything that has ever been wrong on this earth, yet you manage to make it so that that is only a small part of the evil that is your being. Never in the history of mankind has there been anyone that could have predicted such an eldritch abomination, but here you are. It’s hard to believe that I am seeing such an incredible failure with my own eyes, but here I am, so unfortunately I cannot deny your existence. Even if I did my very best, my vocabulary is not able to describe the sheer magnitude of the idiotic mistake that is you. Even if time travel someday will be invented, there still would not be a single soul willing to go back in time to before this moment to fix history, because having to witness such incredible horrors if they failed would have too many mental and physical drawbacks that not even the bravest soul in history would be willing to risk it. I cannot imagine the pure dread your mother must have felt when she had to carry a baby for nine months and then giving birth to such a wretched monster as you. Not a single word of the incoherent, illogical rambling you may be wanting to do to defend yourself or apologize would ever be able to make up for what you just did. The countries of the world would have wanted to make laws preventing such a terrible event like this from ever happening again, but sadly this is not possible since your horrific actions just now have shattered every form of order this world once had, making concepts such as laws irrelevant. Right from the moment I first set my eyes on you I knew you were an absolute abomination of everything that is wrong with humanity. I was hoping I would have been able to prevent your evil from being released upon this world by tagging along and keeping my eye on you, but it is clear to me now that not even the greatest efforts would have been able to prevent a terrible event in this scale from occurring. You are the worst human being, or even just being in general, that I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. Events like the infected plague apparently only happened with the goal of teaching humanity to survive such a horrible event as the one you just created, but not even mankind’s greatest trials were able to even slightly prepare anyone for the insufferable evil you have just created. If you ever had them, your children would be preemptively killed to protect this universe from the possibility of anyone in your bloodline being even half as bad as you are, except you will never be able to have children, because not a single human being will ever want to come within a hundred-mile radius of you and anything you have ever touched. You are a colossal disappointment not only to your parents but to your ancestors and entire bloodline. The disgusting mistake that you have just made is so incredibly terrible that everyone who would ever be to hear about it would spontaneously feel an indescribable mixture of immense anger, fear, and anxiety that emotionally and physically they would never truly be the same ever again. The sheer scale of your mistake, if ever to be materialized, would not only surpass the size of the world, but it would reach far beyond the edges of the known, and almost certainly the unknown universe. I could sit here and write paragraphs, nay, books describing your immense failure, yet even if I were to dedicate my life to describing the reality of what has just gone down here, and I would spend every moment of it until my heart stops beating working as hard and efficiently as possible, yet there is not even a snowballs chance in hell that I would be able to come close to transcribing the absolute shitshow you have just released upon the world. You are an irresponsible, idiotic, disgusting, unloved, horrible excuse for a living being whose soul contains less humanity than every ginger in history combined. The absolute disgust I feel when thinking about anything that has even a slight resemblance to anything that might have to do with you and your unholy actions is so incredibly great that when I am honest about it I think that even I do not possess a consciousness great enough to comprehend my own feelings about it. When people of Columbia fought to break free from Lungmen, countless soldiers fought and lost their lives in favor of a chance at a better future for their children, they did not give their lives to have you fuck the world up beyond repair to the degree that you are doing right now. Honestly, even when technology advances and studies on the subject become more and more accurate, I do not think humanity will ever truly be able to understand what your failure actually means for the universe. My hate for you and everything you stand for is so much deeper than the depths of Shambala that you could probably take the entire Lungmen population down there and back up around twenty million times before you would have sunk to the end of my hate, and honestly, I do not want to exaggerate, but I think that that insult was low balling it such a massive amount that all mountains in this world combined would not be able to stack up to this imprecise judgment in light of the fact that when being honest, my hate is almost certainly bottomless. There is no one in this world that has ever loved you, and especially after what you just did, no one will ever love you in the future either. There is no hope that your idiotic behavior and especially your crooked soul will ever change for the better, and in fact, quite the opposite might be true. By making the mistake that you just did, you have shown me that you are so incredibly hopeless that you will only devolve into a more idiotic and wretched creature than you already are. The only possible way in which your future would be brighter than the black hole your existence currently is would exclusively be because there is absolutely no conceivable way that you would even be able to sink lower than the pathetic place your current failure has put you in.

schlatty patty: slash j slash lighthearted

quacc: i am no way in hell reading all that but i think ur trying to convey that u hate me

quacc: and all i gotta say is that i love u too schlatt /p

schlatty patty: no


	19. meow! one, two, three, meow!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> two chapters in a Very close proximity of time? yeah
> 
> PLATONIC ONLY 😁😁😁😁  
> unless... /hj
> 
> for u fucking catboy quackity part two wanters idk any askers?????????? /lh
> 
> BUT YES THIS IS A PART 2 TO THE CATBOY QUACKITY SAGA. MIGHT DO A PART 3 EVENTUALLY IF I FND ANY FUCKKING IDEAS. IVE RAN OUT OF CLEMENTINE IDEAS, HELP CRIES WAILS SOBS GIVE ME IDEAS IN COMMENTS PLEASE!
> 
> title is lyrics from leat'eq by tokyo, someone in comments translated and i just went along LMAO

quackity stood in front of the mirror, letting out a heavy sigh. why, you ask? well, for one, he was wearing a fucking maid dress, with cat ears on, and to top off the whole look, some fucking eyeliner. and now he had to make a tiktok.

oh well. it wasn't for nothing. at least he was getting $100 out of this, hopefully (one could never put too must trust in george.)

he decided to start a conversation with george.

[3:24 PM]

quacc: george

quacc: i have the fucking outfit on

quacc: what now

goroge: any askers????? /j

goroge: but no seriously stay where u are im coming over and we are making these tiktoks bitch

quacc: what has my life became

he sighed again as george left him on read, clearly in the car and also 100% fucking serious about this. either george just wanted to make fun of him, or he genuinely wanted clout. he was pretty sure the answer was both.

quackity jumped as he heard a knocking on the door, having zoned out for a bit as he waited for george to arrive.

hopping up and speedwalking to the door, he opened it before even checking who it was.

and no, it wasn't fucking georgenotfound.

it was fucking schlatt.

looking up to see schlatt was a fucking surprise, thats for sure- he quickly shut the door quickly, a deep blush spreading over his face because he just knew schlatt was never going to let him live this down. he's haunted forever. george better come soon, or he's going to commit multiple felonies. george, please save him from this terrible situatio-

ding.

the doorbell; the only person quackity knew that rung his doorbell was george.

checking who was at the door (at least he remembered this time) before opening it and falling into georges arms, who almost caught him but decided to let him fall at the last second.

"george!!!" quackity whined, smiling big. "you're gonna get my maid dress dirty!"

george's face was pure shock. he didn't expect quackity to pull through, he really didn't. so this was shocking to him.

"c'mon, george, we gotta go film the tiktoks, i made a whole ass account for this." quackity said, standing up and pulling george into his apartment by his forearm.

"i- okay," george responded, out of breath.

\----

quackity was setting up the lighting in his room as george looked through sounds when he heard a ping from his phone. it was the ringtone he had set for his groupchat with karl and sapnap, his 'fiancés'. jumping down from his bed, he grabbed his phone before plopping onto a beanbag next to george, who was scrolling lazily through tiktoks.

it was just a simple 'hey' from sapnap, but quackity could bet that george told him what was going on by the poorly hidden snickers that george tried hiding behind his phone.

quackity responded to sapnap with a 'so george told you, yeah? the bitch'

setting down his phone, he lightly slapped george on the shoulder. but george being george, the overdramatic bitch he is, dramatically fell down onto his lap and pretended to faint.

"ew, ew, ew," he repeated, shoving george onto the floor and wiping off his lap with a grin on his face.

just as george was about to start shouting, another ping sounded from his phone.

it read, 'be right there' and it was a text from sapnap. he showed it to george, who just shrugged.

"lets make the tiktoks now, i found some good sounds," george said, a cheeky grin on his face.

lightly shoving george, quackity stood up and shook out the pins and needles in his legs. he was up for a long day.


	20. his hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i was gonna write an eret and hbomb chapter for enigma gang but i got hit with a sudden rush of dysphoria so. take some cleminnit for the soul
> 
> heres me venting and projecting onto clementine amen  
> if theres any flaws i apologise :) i am trans ftm not mtf, so theres gonna be some inperfections and wrong info on here but this is mostly just my experiences as a trans guy flipped i guess u could say?
> 
> title is lyrics from this is home by cavetown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for talk of body image and dysphoria
> 
> im really sorry that this is only like >500 words i havent had much motivation and my mental health is plummeting
> 
> also this is purposefully all over the place as its clementines thoughts and i know that my thoughts go from one place back to another and repeat and such all the time so im trying to make this realistic
> 
> OK I PUT THIS IN THE DRAFTS BUT UM BACK ITS BEEN A COUPLE DAYS IM REALLY FUCKING DYSPHORIC AND LONELY AHAHAHA ANYWAY HERES SOME CLEM BC I YEARN FOR SUPPORTIVE PEERS YET I HAVE TWITTER MUTUALS AND  
> THAT IS IT I HAVE TWITTER MUTUALS AS PRETTY MUCH MY ONLY SUPPORT LOL :DDDDD

as clementine stared herself down in the mirror for the first time in months, she picked apart everything _wrong_ about her body.

her hips. her jawline. her chest. her arms. her stance. just her entire body in general.

everything was just so _wrong._

she was thinking about coming out to her parents. clementine didn't really know their stance on trans people, though, so she'll have to ask them later somehow.

she just wanted to look like a girl.

sliding down the wall with a heavy sigh, she unlocked her phone and scrolled through the many notifications she had to hopefully distract herself from her never ending dysphoria. apparently, schlatt and corpse husband were competing for who got the most likes on their reply to this 'gymshark' person, both hoping to get onto the new york times billboard. she decided to reply to schlatt, who has been her long time favorite creator for a while, and being friends with him is incredible and a dream came true.

letting out a laugh at schlatts reply, which stated 'i like men'. it was very blunt, and clementine was almost about to reply 'imagine liking men. smh' before deleting her whole tweet and replying something else. she kind of hoped schlatt won, as he was from new york, but overall she didn't care too much.

oh yeah, valentines day was coming up. she knew she was going to be alone on valentines day, but that's alright- unless tubbo is free, which clementine doubts he is.

standing up and looking at the time displayed on her phone, she realized it was 4 AM- she should probably go to sleep.

putting on some vaguely pajama type clothes, she put on some cavetown and flopped onto her bed and promptly fell asleep.


	21. (i’ll try, to not cry, but i lied, i felt like shit this whole time)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so  
> hi  
> i have been having a shit night so ive decided to write even though my eyes sting and my body begs for rest!  
> here u go. sorry if its short.,,,,  
> giving clem the comfort i wish i had
> 
> title is a line from the song Poem by goonnights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS GUYS GUYS MY FIRST BINDER CAME TODAY AND MY WILBUR MERCH IM GONNA WEAR THEM TOGETHER AND LOOK LIKE A FUCKING MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** i think im gonna do it

**herobrine** : do what?

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** come out to the group chat

**herobrine** : woah thats amazing clem

**herobrine** : im proud of u no matter what u do!

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** oh

**go crazy AAAH go stupid AAAH:** thank you, eret

**herobrine** : no worries, clementine :]

* * *

**_ [BIG T changed their nickname to BIG C] _ **

**BIG C:** so uh

**BIG C:** i have something important to tell u guys /srs

**dre** : yeah ?

**BIG C:** im uh

**BIG C:** trans

**BIG C:** transgender

**BIG C:** meaning i now go by clementine and use she/her pronouns

**BIG C:** can you, uh, @ everyone please ?

**dre** : of course **_@everyone_**

**queerios** : proud of u, clem :)

**philza with no minecraft** : I'm very proud of you, Clementine! Congrats on coming out!

**ranboob** : cool!! hi clementine!!

**BIG C:** hi ranboo!!!!

**spoingus** : awesome :DDDD

**sykkuwu** : proud of u clementine! it takes a lot to come out, and u just did, so congrats!

**hmaid** : POGGERS UWU

**bee boi!:** im very proud of you clem and i love u no matter what

**BIG C:** love u too, tubbo :]]]]

* * *

_**[tommy the feral dog changed their name to clementine the moth]** _

**clementine the moth:** tubbo i wasnt expecting that to go so well

**clementine the moth:** thank u guys for being so supportive

**tubbee** : im proud of you :)

**clementine the moth:** thank you

**clementine the moth:** also is it normal to cry out of happiness and euphoria

**tubbee** : of course!!! 

**tubbee** : love u /p

**clementine the moth:** love u too, thank u for everything


	22. not a chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> read this pls

so i might rewrite this

this book would still stay up i think but i just want to actually set up like a story and arcs and have genuine lore and good characters and get stuff together where this entire book isnt written entirely at 2 am so yeah

please tell me ur thoughts on this


	23. update on rewrite

i promise ive worked on it

like two sentences of lore

but my dad took my chormebook aka what i write on other than notes app bc if ur a wiriter u know that mobile SUCKS ASS and my phone is tiny so :[ i havent been able to write!! give me lore ideas pls ... im stumped :,)

**Author's Note:**

> yet again self plug, follow my twitter @beanaintokay !!
> 
> thank u all for reading my story, seirously. it was published in a long ass car ride just as an impulsive decision, but its given me so much more motivation, and i mean it. ive been getting better the past few weeks, and i'd like to thank you guys, because before this i was in a serious funk, and i didnt think it would get better. so from the bottom of my heart, thank you, and i love you <3 /gen


End file.
